The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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