Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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