need another drink. this is the easiest way
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
