all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Randomize
