I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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