there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I look better un-naked...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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