the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize