fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Randomize
