I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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