This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
