She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
