I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
