It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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