I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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