I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
