Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
