I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize