I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
