moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
