tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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