Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
