Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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