Whod you bang
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
These tits shall not be calmed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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