with your own penis?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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