If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize