i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
