i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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