Tell her she can't have a vagina
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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