aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
