My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He better not be in your backpack
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
