I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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