Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
