I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
