Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
