My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize