So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
