You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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