I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
