i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
