Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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