Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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