Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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