I CAN MOONWALK!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize