i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
