Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
