At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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