I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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