she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
