So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
