I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize