ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
