I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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