I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
