Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
