Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
